Dear John

Dear John

I put up a new wallpaper for the baby. It has little sunflowers on it that smile down at her from all around. Yes, I said her. You keep saying it’s a boy but I’m convinced she’s a girl. I can’t really explain it but when her little legs kick at my tummy it’s as though she is saying don’t worry mommy I will play dress up with you. When I drink hot tea and she protests, I see a bit of myself in her. But mostly I see you.

I see you in the way she is calm and does not give mommy any trouble. I see you in her love for spicy Indian food that has me reaching for a glass of milk at 2am because of heartburn. I see you in the way I love her. The all-consuming love that is unconditional. The love that led me to this point, carrying her because I want to bring more of your light and energy into this world.

But I’m also scared. I’m scared of the dangerous world that we are bringing her into. I fear the time that she is growing up in. Will she be safe from the horrors of the world? Will a crazy man walk into her classroom one day and shoot her? Will there come a point when we cannot afford to give her basic needs because of the high cost of living? Will we afford her dream school? Is she in danger of becoming a child with a child like the stories we read in the papers?

I don’t know what type of childhood she will have and that scares me. I want to keep her in my womb just a little longer because I know that in there she is safe. I want the best for our little girl and if I could I would go into the future, clear the path for her so that she may never stumble but I cannot. I know you would say that it’s all part of growing up and she needs to go through it all but she is my baby. For the past months she has been literally and figuratively attached to me. How do I let her go after that? How do I cut of the phantom umbilical cord that remains after she is placed in my arms? I know I’m spinning out again and this letter is turning dark so I will stop here. Please come home soon, we miss you.

Your loving wife